Dubai Ports Deal: The Sheik Speaks

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - Sheik Mohammed bin Laden, the brains behind the White House's controversial deal to hand six US ports over to a major financer of the 9/11 attacks, expressed surprise at the US reaction to the now-embattled deal. "We had no idea we'd get this kind of response," said the magnetic international playboy and hotel magnate. "We only submitted our bid as a joke. If you'd told me two weeks ago the White House would sign off on this, I literally would have thought you were on crack." The raven-haired sheik's legendary entrepreneurial skills are front and center these days: when the deal hit the headlines, he took advantage of the unexpected publicity to launch development talks for a reality show tentatively titled "The Apprentice: Corporate Jihadis." With a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, the mustachioed sheik confided, "I really admire Donald Trump: his hair, his ability to take over New York City... he's everything I want to be." But when this reporter, perhaps imprudently, joked that maybe if his show works out people will start calling him 'The Mohammed,' sheik bin Laden shouted "infidel!" and immediately set fire to the Starbucks in which we were sitting.